Jared Allen rides into the sunset

As I inch closer to the day I retire, I find myself thinking more often about how I want to do it.

Until today, I pretty much had decided that I would call in and say “I’m not coming to work today; I retired yesterday” and that would be that.

Then I saw former Vikings player Jared Allen’s retirement announcement on Twitter today and now I need to find a horse and a coat that is so pristine it appears to have never been on a horse before. Cowboy hat optional.

  • Leann Olsen

    What is this word you keep using in this story? “Retire?” What does that mean? I have no context for this word.

    • I figure MY “retirement” will be me grabbing my left arm, then slumping over my keyboard only to be found by the cleaning crew.

      • wjc

        Unless they are on strike. Then what? Ugh!

        • Angry Jonny

          Then either his dog will guard his corpse, or his cat will eat it.

          • Rob


          • John

            The dog will eat his corpse. It’ll just wait a couple more days, and probably feel bad about doing it.

      • Jeff

        Yes, unlike Jared I’ll retire when I’m Super Bowl champion which isn’t very likely.

  • Kassie

    “I’m not coming to work today; I retired yesterday.” I had a co-worker do this recently. It sucked as we scrambled to figure out what he had been working on, where his documentation is, find people to take over his work. It is one thing when people have sudden health issues or die, but the big old F you of just retiring with notice sucks and shows how little you care about your co-workers.

    • I write a blog. By myself. It doesn’t impact anyone else’s work load. And the bosses have already said the blog will be eliminated once I depart, so it won’t create any additional workload.

      • Al

        That would be a big letdown. Though I suppose we could hope you’d occasionally lend your perspective on a less regular basis. Truly, NewsCut is a daily visit for me–not many sites are.

        • Rob

          second that

      • Rob

        so it’s kind of an amenuensis situation?

    • I do think if you do the “I retired yesterday” method, you leave all your accumulated vacation/sicktime behind, to be divided equally among your individual team.

      • Kassie

        I should get my union to push for that in the next contract negotiations.

  • John O.

    Bob, you need to be YOU. Put on an old school barnstorming outfit, face the camera and deliver your farewell address, put your goggles on and then hop into your waiting airplane, taxi, and GO.

    • Well, that has a lot of appeal, too.

      • Rob

        how about this: buzz the MPR building in your plane, trailing a banner saying something along the lines of: “I’m outta here!”

  • For the record, back in the ’70s — the Electric Horseman days — I had a suede coat just like this. AND a suede cowboy hat to go with it.

    All that was missing was a pack of Marlboro Reds.

    • Leann Olsen

      Photo proof!

    • Rob

      was that your outfit for hitting the discos?

  • Fred, Just Fred

    Every cowboy coat starts out new. That’s his retirement coat, takes some breaking in.

  • boB from WA

    If you dress like that now you might be mistaken for a militia man on the way to Oregon. 🙂